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Life After Loss

The loss of my son caused a fundamental shift in my approach to life. If what was most precious could be taken away, then what was life for? Why was I here? It seemed as though God was holding a vision for awakening to a truer life.

We create our lives in partnership with God. For Chris’s sake, I wanted to see what was possible to make the best of his passing.  And if this experience was potentially life-changing, I wanted to step to the plate.

Losing Chris taught me what is important in life. I gave up trying to prove myself, to garner accolades or recognition. I stopped seeking life or trying to reap benefit or advantage. I settled down into the person I am, the life I have, and the little gifts that abound. I became more giving of myself. I opened up to a life founded in love.

In finding a more authentic life, I was able to keep my bond with Chris alive. The love that shone brightly for Chris also allowed me to heal. It allowed me to eventually step beyond the borders of grief to connect more deeply to life in the surroundings, to awaken to my humanity.

carol_cropped

Losing Chris helped simplify my life. It revealed how fragile life is: hopes and dreams can shatter in an instant. It showed me what can never break. It is not God’s desire that we continue to suffer. God wants us to discover the truth about life—the gem at the center that allows us to thrive.

A Mother’s Perspective

I once thought it would be impossible to survive the loss of a child.  So after my son died, it seemed a wonderment that not only could I endure, I could learn to let him go.

There is no one who brings joy the way your own child does. You revel in the aliveness of your own child and the miracle of his being. You take pleasure in his pleasure and feel hurt when he is hurt. To lose a child is one of the most profound experiences of human life.  — Freedom to Fall 

A Mother’s Perspective

I have always believed that one of the highest expressions of love is letting go. I had approached motherhood that way—releasing my children a little at a time, encouraging them along the pathways of their own callings. But I couldn’t face the finality of releasing Chris to God, at least not alone. Through God’s mercy, a golden cord was forged between us stretching from Heaven to Earth, which could never be broken.

chris

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The Road to Recovery

Looking back on the time of grieving the loss of my son, I feel gratitude for the experience. There will always be times of sadness, but the gains are immeasurable.

On the first day of knowing my son was gone forever, when I took to my bed with a broken heart, certain truths rose from within: Only good can come from love. Chris will be with me always. There is meaning and purpose behind his death. In the months that followed, I held onto the insights of that first day. They became my guide, my faith, my eventual resurrection.

The Road to Recovery

Grief, in those first unbearable months would come in waves. In moments of relief, I could feel Chris’s loving presence. He didn’t exist in our time anymore, but as a spirit in eternal time. Though I didn’t know if that sense could last, it was a revelation—the saving grace. I learned that my two states of awareness, that of Chris’s absence and his presence, could not exist side by side, but only in succession. Surrendering wholeheartedly to the pain of loss, allowing it passage, opened a door into God’s realm.

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Taking a Step Back – My Story

Though I’ve kept up this blog for a while now, I feel led to bring you all into me – into my life and my story. I’ve recently published a book titled Freedom to Fall, which chronicles my journey to healing after losing my son Chris. This is me.

I am beginning work to publicize the book and share my story with whomever will find it. Here’s to new beginnings.

Taking a Step Back – My Story

Born and raised in Louisiana, I followed my heart to Colorado, where I attended the University of Colorado and pursued a career in Special Education.  After marrying and moving to the mountains to raise a family, I discovered a calling as a storyteller, performing original stories as well as myths and legend from world cultures.  Ultimately, I divorced, and after my two children left home, I made my way down the mountains, landing in Denver around the turn of the century. Then in 2003, something happened that changed my life.

In May of that year my daughter, Kate, who was in college, had come home for the summer. Chris was rock climbing in Yosemite National Park.  On June 1 we were awakened in the night with the news that Chris had been in climbing accident and was dead.

Chris Hamspon, Carol Hampson, mother, son, loss, rock climbing

The devastation and shock of that summer was soothed by the presence of my daughter and by an abiding faith. I knew intuitively that Chris was still with me and always would be. I felt there was meaning behind his passing. I wrote every day about the raw emotion of grief coupled with whatever insights came. Those journal notes became the basis for  Freedom to Fall, which I began that autumn.

The book chronicles my journey through the first two years of grieving, along with a portrayal of my son in a way that captures his spirit. Just as all people have special qualities and gifts, I felt that Chris, for his 25 years of living, had much to offer in the way he loved life.

The hard times of those first two years were also times of hope and redemption. I discovered the healing power of love. I did not think that my life was over. I knew that I would fully live again, and through that belief, found my way.

Writing the book was cathartic, and the blessing was in realizing that the book could be an inspiration and comfort to others. Today, ten years after Chris’s death, I am standing on solid ground.  Of course I miss my son, but we have a relationship that endures. He is my angel in Heaven.

I choose to write a blog to communicate with like-minded people. In these times when families are often spread out and neighbors may be strangers, I can’t think of a more uplifting way to establish community than through the simply act of sharing stories and ideas through writing. I write first thing every morning; it is the mainstay of my life, and I look forward to making connections.

The True Life

The moments of being fully alive become treasured keepsakes for the years. Though the circumstances vary, the experience is the same—a joyful sense of immediacy and awareness—occasions when life rings true.  But we do not have to wait for such precious times; the true life can be for all times.    

The conditions of life change for better or worse.  But the true life is an unconditional quality of being, steady and faithful.  It is when we connect with that source that we are truly ourselves—when life is most deeply felt. As Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” 

The true life is a place of ageless intimacy—an inner matrix of receiving God’s gift and giving thanks—dynamically interactive and devotional. When we live as if life were somewhere else, we lose the only true anchor we have.  

The true life enables every heartbeat and expression. When it is my chosen path because I value that space above all else, sooner or later it spills over into the transience of daily affairs. It becomes the transcendent spark in every situation, the keepsake I take to bed each night and to the morrow, if God permits.     

Rungs of Truth

Each sunrise presents a glimmer of new awareness, a tiny rung of truth in an ever-ascending partnership with God.

Today God tells me to be content with what I have; to be carried forth in faith, not to reach for what is denied or not yet manifest. Otherwise, I may follow the fate of the fallen angel, who perpetually plummets and scrambles back up.    

It seems that awareness is always coming into being, and what I knew yesterday may not be enough—that learning is continual, requiring attention.  If I am wise, I’ll be with the dawning. I’ll stay with the emergence—life in the making, still uncertain. When a new rung appears, I’ll step up to the offering. 

From where I stand today, I hear: Go with whatever uplifts your spirit and makes you happy, regardless of what goes on. Share your gifts with those who can receive them and have something to give back—like a smile. Don’t worry about what happens here on Earth—disappointments and twists of fate.  Go forward steadfastly.

Sometimes the truths I glean are uncomfortable—such as insubstantial aspects of life I’ve held onto.  Other times they bring comfort or joy, as missing pieces I’ve needed for some time. If I receive God’s offerings, without grasping for what remains veiled, life will be more than I imagine. In partnership—at God’s pace—there will be treasure at each rung to carry to Heaven.

God’s Gift

With first light, I rein in this errant mind to engage the “here and now.” In the remembering of that exquisite place, I float down, down, down—to receive God’s offering.         

There is nothing so redeeming as the moment at hand. Wistfully, I wonder if I can be within its protective fold forever. Perhaps it can accompany me into every corner of life. Ultimately it may be all that counts, when all else falls away.

I don’t need to “make life happen” so much as replenish reserves, to be refreshed in the “fountain of youth,” an immutable source where time dissolves into an ever-flowing grace. From that position, I gather the means to be present for the unfolding.

 By taking the time to be with myself this way, little by little it becomes the Way. The Way becomes my life, taking precedence over content—the events of the day, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. It relieves me of preoccupation and gives life back.  To awaken onto this moment is to receive God’s gift—in the rendering of joy, love, peace on Earth prior to Heaven’s calling.     

Tapping the Wellspring

I step out for a walk, longing to share my love.  Around the corner a stranger crosses my path where, through smiles of recognition, our love intersects, uplifting our spirits.   

When we tap the wellspring, we come to life—blossoming with the love that has been there all along.  This earthly journey is nothing if not a chance to express in the physical what is genuinely ours. In this way, we gather friends and family, including those encountered serendipitously, the light of which burns on.     

Love is most gloriously fulfilled in closeness with God. God whispers what I need to know, while I withhold nothing. When I can’t seem to endure, God shows me how. God knows my strength and teaches me to use it. Through daily communion, I learn self-love.

I feel, God, you know what it means to be human, that you are not impassive, but walk this path with us—as Jesus taught. Through your Presence we become balanced, open-hearted, grounded in faith.  In truth, we are comprised of thy substance.  

In the midst of tenuous life, when we tap the wellspring we fulfill our humanity, before returning from whence we came.

To learn about my book, Freedom To Fall, click on “Morning Song Books” above—a true story about healing through love, after my son dies in a rock climbing accident.

Stream of Experience

Today I hear: Don’t make too much of circumstance. Allow it to be what it is without attaching importance.  In that way I can access the eternal—the flow of experience connecting me with God.  

I want to make the best of this time to cultivate a life that allows movement with grace. I want to fill life in many ways—not making life about any one way. I’d like to enter the stream, where experience serves a purpose.

Each day I can attend to a myriad of happenings, while acknowledging this very soul—an equalizer where all moments count, the giver of life, throwing out before me a daily course. Living this way takes the impetus off of what is going on and puts it where it belongs—on the gift itself, a shimmering passage inviting exploration.   

There comes a time when you stop working on problems and simply follow, receiving life for the blessings and the lessons. The day comes when circumstance no longer dominates but is a contributor to the eternal aspect of our character in this brief encounter with Earth.

To read about my book, Freedom To Fall, the story of a young man who achieved the sense of the eternal through rock climbing, click on “Morning Song Books” above.  

 

The Past in Witness

It is possible to live in the clutches of the past. It is also possible to step away to view from a distance what once played a role. By the cool, impartial grace of Witness, I close one door and open another to a life on the brink of unfolding.

It would be possible to live the whole of life in places already visited, never realizing another design. But within this same space of inner life sits a farseeing essence—steadfast, serene, light-filled—ready to surround prior times with love, honoring them as building blocks to the present, and to move on.  

Fetters of the past circle my field, and I pull away in witness, freeing myself from olden dreams. The path through yonder hills gleams in the sun. Not knowing where it leads, I am willing to follow.